Idiocy and the Law

"Honest" John Hylan was probably one of the most least intelligent men to hold the office of Mayor of New York City.  One day to reporters, clamoring for information about a crime wave that was sweeping the city, "Honest" John commented: "The police are fully able to meet and compete with the criminals."

(Yonkers New York)--Say what?--A Cuban-born truck driver recently tried to sue after being given a ticket for not being able to speak English.   Although the man had taken his driver's test and road tests in Spanish, he was cited under a little-known federal law that requires commercial vehicle drivers to be fluent in English.  He is now suing for discrimination.

(Albuquerque New Mexico)--Don't Use His Name--A county sheriff recently got bent out of shape when he found out someone was using his name to solicit money from the public.  He condemned those making the calls on behalf of the New Mexico Sheriffs and Police Association...until he recalled there is such an organization...and he was the president of it.

(Birmingham Alabama)--Aunt Fran's Ashes--Police are storing a jar of ashes...after it was found outside a local funeral home.  But not just any jar, but a Santa Clause cookie jar.  A note inside said its owners were leaving the area, but that Aunt Fran always wanted to remain.  The funeral home director says he thinks its a hoax, but police decided to keep the ashes...just in case. 

Ship bottom New Jersey)--Citizen's Arrest--A gas station attendant went for a six-mile ride with a customer who left the station without paying for gas...on the hood of the suspect's car.  Police finally stopped the car and ended the bizarre situation.  The clerk says he should have let her go.

(Fairbanks Alaska)--Not Our Suspect--A jewel thief is still on the loose...after dropping a wallet containing a picture ID at the scene.  Police had a good chuckle over his stupidity...until they did some checking.  It turns out the ID belonged to a man who was robbed several months before by the same man who robbed the jewelry store.  He is still on the loose.

(Easton Pennsylvania)--Security Loaf--After a rash of inmate food-fights and near-riots over the quality of the food, prison officials there have come up with something new for prisoners who misbehave.  It consists of whatever leftovers are on hand and flour...and they call it "Security Loaf."

(Santa Rosa California)--It worked for Bugs Bunny--A local family became heroes after wrestling down a home invasion burglary suspect.  They hit him with a baseball bat, took away his gun and held him until authorities arrived.   But police had special praise for the family's teenage daughter...who stuck her finger in the end of the suspect's gun to keep it from firing.

(Medina Ohio)--Piggy Labor--Inmates have been given a chance to cut time off their sentences in return for some dirty work.  County health officers ordered a nearby pig farm cleaned up, so jail officials stepped in to help.   For every day an inmate spends cleaning up after Porky and his pals, they get an additional day off their sentence.

(Dayton Ohio)--Home Sweet Dumpster--An arrest following a bank robbery is now headed to an appeals court.  The suspect was caught hiding in a dumpster near the bank, complete with weapon, mask, and cash.  The problem is that the crook claimed he was homeless and that's where he lived.  A lawyer argued that because the suspect lived in the dumpster, he had a reasonable expectation of privacy, and therefore was subject to an unreasonable search and seizure.

(Traverse City Michigan)--Loose Lips--Imagine you've just tipped your canoe over into icy-cold water.  Like most people, you'd probably come up from your dunking muttering some choice phrases.  That's what happened to a man there, who was then charged with an old law that prohibits profanities in public.   The man was eventually fined a hundred dollars after a judge upheld the statute.

(Ottawa Canada)--My Kingdom for a Horse--An inmate has all the comforts of home...now that his horse is in jail with him.  The inmate--serving a life sentence for murder--is also a former cabinet minister.  Insiders say he is planning on running a for-profit cattle ranch on prison property, which also boasts a nine-hole golf course.

(San Diego California)--Former Drug Truck--Getting a good deal on a car at an auction is every car-hunter's dream...except when you buy the car at a U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency auction.  A Point Loma man was arrested after a mechanic found six pounds of methamphetamines hidden in a truck.  It turns out the man had just bought the truck at a D.E.A. auction.  He is now suing the D.E.A. and three other agencies in connection with his arrest.

(Syracuse New York)--Speeders' Paradise--If you want to put the pedal to the metal, the best place to do it is in upstate New York.  Four state troopers were recently reprimanded for sleeping in their patrol cars while on duty.   Each was caught red-handed (or should that be red-eyed) in their patrol cars, snoozing soundly alongside the New York State Thruway.  None of the four lost their jobs.

(Minneapolis Minnesota)--Opera Riots--Police are trying a new tactic in dispersing unruly crowds...opera blasted at a high volume.  They say they have already tried barricades and mounted police.  A spokesman says the kind of people who stand around after drinking all night in a bar detest opera, so high doses should put them on the move to go home instead of hanging out after the bars close.

(Redwood City California)--Courthouse Bread--New security at the courthouse there includes a new metal detector.  One of the first things it found was a bread machine.  Under a zero-tolerance policy, police immediately seized the bread maker.  A spokesman says because it has wires and a timer, the machine could have been a bomb.

(Ankara Turkey)--Virginity Test--A German woman may have started an international incident after complaining to authorities she was forcibly subjected to a virginity test.   She is in jail there for assisting an outlawed rebel group. Turkish officials say the virginity test is the best way to reduce complaints from female prisoners alleging sexual contact by guards.

(Cairo Egypt)--Toddler Assault--Political correctness spilled into the courtroom after a two year-old boy knocked over a little girl.  The girl's parents filed an assault complaint, to which the judge sentenced the little boy to six months in prison at hard labor.  Officials say the judge never looked at the complaint in his hand when he made this determination.  It was not until an appeals hearing the mistake was uncovered.  When the judge called the defendant by name, the little boy's father handed his son to the startled judge.  Charges were immediately dismissed.